Wednesday, May 1, 2013

12. Avoiding All Social Interaction

So, I've written about social anxiety and my awkwardness and all that good stuff, but I have not said anything about pretty much avoiding any and all social interaction. I have a select group of people that I'm willing to talk to, and even then I still feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes I just start talking to someone and I don't even know what I'm saying, I just talk. That's probably the worst thing about me. I have all these lines in my head, like there's someone up there writing what I need to say, and sadly that person isn't John Green. I always want to say something meaningful that will make someone respect me, but every time I try the person I'm talking to is just like "Haha.... what?" and it's all awkward because I don't know what to say. If I ever have to stand up in class for any reason I just feel like I need to get out of everyone's view before someone says something to me. Whenever I go to the store, for any reason, I give my money to my mom or my friend or whoever I'm with so I don't have to interact with the cashier. I can't tell you how many times I was so close to complimenting someone and then I didn't because SOCIAL INTERACTION. And then I feel horrible because I know if someone compliments me it can turn my whole day around. What if that person I didn't compliment went home and killed themselves? What if my compliment made them hang on for one more day and then things turned around for them? I'm not even kidding, this is what goes through my mind every day. But then I realize that I couldn't mean that much to a random stranger, so I just stay quiet. It's also kind of like that when my one friend in a class isn't there and my almost friend that sits across from me is trying to talk to me. Part of me wants to talk to them, but SOCIAL INTERACTION. Sometimes I just say quiet, but then people start asking me what's wrong and won't take "Nothing" for an answer. So I talk and pretend like I carry on comfortable conversations with people all the time, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

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