Wednesday, May 1, 2013

12. Avoiding All Social Interaction

So, I've written about social anxiety and my awkwardness and all that good stuff, but I have not said anything about pretty much avoiding any and all social interaction. I have a select group of people that I'm willing to talk to, and even then I still feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes I just start talking to someone and I don't even know what I'm saying, I just talk. That's probably the worst thing about me. I have all these lines in my head, like there's someone up there writing what I need to say, and sadly that person isn't John Green. I always want to say something meaningful that will make someone respect me, but every time I try the person I'm talking to is just like "Haha.... what?" and it's all awkward because I don't know what to say. If I ever have to stand up in class for any reason I just feel like I need to get out of everyone's view before someone says something to me. Whenever I go to the store, for any reason, I give my money to my mom or my friend or whoever I'm with so I don't have to interact with the cashier. I can't tell you how many times I was so close to complimenting someone and then I didn't because SOCIAL INTERACTION. And then I feel horrible because I know if someone compliments me it can turn my whole day around. What if that person I didn't compliment went home and killed themselves? What if my compliment made them hang on for one more day and then things turned around for them? I'm not even kidding, this is what goes through my mind every day. But then I realize that I couldn't mean that much to a random stranger, so I just stay quiet. It's also kind of like that when my one friend in a class isn't there and my almost friend that sits across from me is trying to talk to me. Part of me wants to talk to them, but SOCIAL INTERACTION. Sometimes I just say quiet, but then people start asking me what's wrong and won't take "Nothing" for an answer. So I talk and pretend like I carry on comfortable conversations with people all the time, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

Story Cover

Story Cover

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

11. Warped Tour & Clipping

So, as you may know, I have an obsession with the Vans Warped Tour. If you don't know what that is you can go do some research and learn all you want to know. I went to my first Warped last year (2012 for those who may not know...) and I had the time of my life. I'd wanted to go since I was eight years old, and four years later I finally got to. I was a Warped Newbie and was kind of scared of the idea, but after a couple hours and witnessing countless moshes, I got the hang of it. The bad thing is that I've started listening to a lot more bands this past year, and a lot of them are going to be one Warped. Keep in mind, each tour date is ONE DAY. From 11:00 a.m. to about 10:00 p.m. I don't know if I'm going to have enough time for everything I want to see, but hopefully they'll space everything out okay... But the part that I wanted to clip was my planned outfit for Warped. I know, that sounds crazy, but I'M A GIRL. I CAN GET AWAY WITH PLANNING MY OUTFIT 118 DAYS 14 HOURS AND 43 MINUTES BEFORE THE EVENT.
Also, sorry for the cruddy pictures - it's just what Google had to offer.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

10. Social Anxiety

Yep, I sorta kinda have a major case of social anxiety. I'm sadly awkward when I'm just sitting there or trying to talk to someone, and I only really ever talk to my main group of friends. Even when I'm walking from class to class I try not to look at anyone and just stay out of the way. Even raising my hand to answer a question in class is terrifying because I hate speaking in front of a group of people by myself. Like, preforming with a band would be fine. Speaking of preforming with bands, I met Skinny Lister last night and they just seemed to get nicer (also, go look up Dan from Skinny Lister on Google images; I'm going to freeze him in carbonite for like 11 years then I'm going to marry him, but more on that story later) and my mom told them that I learned to play Rollin' Over (one of their songs) and even the accordion part on my guitar and Lanna (the girl of the group) said that the next time they come near here we need to get in touch and I can play it with them. And I think that would be fine because I wouldn't have to speak by myself, I would get to do something I love (which is play the guitar) with a group of people who love music just as much as I do. But back on the topic of social anxiety, I've been doing some research. I told my parents that I thought I had social anxiety and apparently that would make sense, because my mom has a tiny bit of social anxiety, though it's mostly just regular anxiety. Just making it through the school day is harder than it should be. But back to last night, I realized just how comfortable I am around people just like me. But I can only find them at concerts, and then it's not like I'm gonna just start up a conversation in the middle of a mosh pit and become instant best friends. It's like I feel at home whenever I'm at a concert, and I wish it could be like that all the time. But hopefully one day I'll find my soulmate and everyday life with be as great as those occasional nights.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

09. Update

Hi. I know I haven't spoken to you guys through this lovely blog in a while, and I'm really sorry for that. I've been getting on Polyvore every day though, even if it's just to go through and like people's sets and things. I feel like you need an explanation as to why I kind of stopped blogging for a while, and I'm totally prepared to give you one. I didn't really want to talk about what was going on in my life, or what IS going on in my life, but if you've taken the time to come here and read this then I think you should know. I've been feeling really sad lately, some have even called it depression, but I don't think it is. I don't think I would ever take my own life or self-harm, but I often wonder what people would do if I did die. Maybe I walked out into traffic, or I got cancer or something terrible of the sort. I wonder who would cry for me. But then I get home, and I go upstairs to my room, and I think of all the terrible things I had to sit through that day. And then I decide I don't have to feel that way, and I turn on my music. Most of the time it's between (prepare yourself, I like a lot of bands) All Time Low, We The Kings, Sleeping With Sirens, Pierce The Veil, Man Overboard, or Memphis May Fire. When I listen to their music it just makes me feel better, and it makes me realize that I have all these reasons to stay alive and be happy about it. Well, at least one for now. And that's Warped Tour. I had so much fun when I went last year, even though I was a noob to the whole idea. This Summer I'm going to be a Warped Vet and hopefully I will get to meet everyone I want and tell them how much they mean to me. And sometimes thinking about my future makes me feel better. I know everyone says don't dwell on the past, don't worry about the future, live in the present; but I'd rather not look at the past because I was an ugly b.itch (and I kind of still am, but let's not talk about that right now), and I don't want to think about the present because that's pretty crappy too, so the only thing I have to be happy about is what the future holds. Growing up, falling in love, too many Warped Tours to count, and even tomorrow I'm going to a concert for two bands called Skinny Lister (opener) and Flogging Molly (headliner). If you haven't heard of them you should go look them up because they're awesome, and you could learn something new about me. Those new things are that I like Irish punk and Sea Shanties. And maybe at some other point I will talk about how I met Skinny Lister at Warped '12 and they were super nice and awesome and we're like besties now. Okay that last part was a lie.

Aww, see I feel like my old self already... I really should have started blogging again a long time ago because it really does make me feel better. Well, I think this is it for this post. And for anyone actually reading this just know,